Defending Bud Kilmer

It didn’t happen the first time.

No, the first time I watched “Varsity Blues” I agreed with most people in labeling Coach Bud Kilmer as the antagonist. He was the old, hard-nosed football coach; the man who did anything to win. He made injured players risk their futures and he benched the black kid in the red zone. Kilmer represented all that was wrong with West Canaan, Texas. Hell, even Dawson Leery said so…it must be true.

But then it happened. It was supposed to be the big climactic scene where the players take over the locker room at halftime and go out to win the state title without their demonic head coach. I’ve seen it a hundred times, I know what’s happening, and I think it’s great. But out of nowhere one time, triggered by the hollow sound of a locker room door closing in an empty hallway, I began to realize the true tragedy of “Varsity Blues”. Bud Kilmer was a hero, and this article will attempt to set the record straight.

The Winner

At the time of its filming, Coach Bud Kilmer (played magnificently by Jon Voight) was gunning for his 23rd division title in 35 years of head coaching the Coyotes. That’s more than a 60% likelihood your squad is coming home with the hardware on any given year…pretty impressive record. And we’re not talking about some Powder Puff league in Poughkeepsie, this is Texas State High School Football. The intensity and drama associated with this brand of football have spawned books, television shows, and movies.

Fact of the matter is, maintaining that level of performance over an extended period of time is more than difficult, it’s damn near impossible. But Bud Kilmer could do it. The man was a living legend with a bronzed statue standing proudly before the stadium. This stately tribute recognized his tremendous accomplishments…and rightfully so.

But Coach Kilmer was more than good football coach. His players took the lessons learned in high school and utilized them in college where they received top-notch educations and became upstanding members of their community. Shit, these boys were having the times of their lives! Maybe father figure is a bit over the top, I don’t know, but I do know that Coach Kilmer stood for discipline, hard work, team play, and dedication. For any youngster, these are good lessons and the esteemed Coach instilled them in countless players over the course of his illustrious career. West Canaan, Texas shone brighter from the reflection of Bud Kilmer.

I’m not perfect. Are you?

Bud Kilmer is not God. Just like any of us imperfect creatures, he had his faults. He could be brash and arrogant. His competitiveness could get the better of him. Sometimes he wasn’t the greatest “people person”. Sure, these are the facts. I really can’t dispute them any more than I could dispute the vile fart I laid in the interview for a job I certainly didn’t get three years ago.

Coach Kilmer ruled with Iron Fist. He liked things to be done his way, and he expected the same effort from his players and staff that he demanded of himself. Practices were tough, games were life-altering, and the measuring stick of his success was the number of division and state titles that rested peacefully in his school’s field house. He lived his life with an uncompromising intensity that often rubbed people the wrong way, but the bottom line was that Kilmer’s football teams always came ready to play. Period.

Coach K (not to be confused with Krzyzewski) wasn’t perfect, but he had a good heart. The fact that the one thing he loves in this life, his football team, was taken away from him in heart-wrenching fashion is a legitimate tragedy. To hear his infamous “Let’s Go! Let’s Go!” echoing throughout an empty locker room, as if he is trying to convince himself that a mutiny did not occur only 30 seconds previous, is painful. Everything he worked for, everything he accomplished is taken away in an instant by some pimpled pipsqueak wiseass of a backup quarterback.

Who I Don’t Like

“The Mox”. That’s pretty much all you need to know right there. In my opinion, he is a despicable excuse for a human existence. You will soon understand how a closer look at this little shit’s life reveals his role in nearly every wrong turn throughout “Varsity Blues”.

Yes it’s true. I argue that Johnny Moxon is the true villain of this remarkably tragic film that has been cunningly disguised as an uplifting teen comedy. Truth be told, the effect he has on everyone around him is downright negative. He is celebrated as a hero, but really, John is willing to do whatever it takes to get himself out West Canaan. Stepping all over other people is not an issue for this punk…he’s got his own future to be looking after and no time to worry about others. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

- On the Home Front

“I don’t want your life!”

Imagine you’re a proud father of two sons. You’ve spent your life establishing a good home, putting food on the table, teaching them how to throw a football and change the oil, and having to see your teenage son look you right in the eye and say that to your face. Here’s a dad who’s trying to make sure his son isn’t taking a great opportunity for granted, reminding him of his responsibilities, and he gets this shit thrown in his face? I’m sorry, but that’s inexcusable.

What else is going on at home? He’s got a little brother searching for some guidance from every religion under the sun. Maybe if a certain dipshit opened his eyes and saw a kid trying to figure things out he could actually play the role of older brother. No, The Mox is too wound up in his own world to take on the problems of others.

Good ol’ Mom? She’s one martini away from having a liver with the leathery complexion of Coglin’s in “Cocktail”. Her pride and joy, Johnny…he doesn’t care. He’s trying to squirm his way into Brown University, about as far away from small town Texas as you can get. This guy is a real piece of work, I tell ya. Doing whatever he’s got to do to get the hell out of dodge.

- Friends Like You, Who Needs Friends

Here’s a scenario for you: You’re the star football player in your hometown with a very bright future playing college ball. You got the hottest chick in three counties slobbin’ your knob and some good friends on the team. In fact, one of your best friends and backup QB is dating your younger sister, but that’s cool because you think he’s a good guy and he makes her happy.

Now imagine your knee gets snapped in half. The football career is over, but at least everything else around you remains the same, right? Wrong. That little buddy of yours just stole your girlfriend about 13 seconds after the injury and, in the process, broke your kid sister’s heart. He stole your fame and never looked back.

Here’s another one for you. The football team has had a lot of ups and downs over the season. I won’t get into them much more than I already have, but the night before a big game, which asshole rounds up the crew for some drinks? Jonathon Moxon. Granted, it does provide perhaps the greatest highlight of the movie (Ms. Davis’ fine titties), but it also results in a tough loss for the Coyotes and an injury to star running back Wendell Brown. This kind of behavior does not represent that of a true leader.

- The End of an Era

I’ve sung his praises over the past 1,300 words, but it’s time to explore the horrific end to a Hall of Fame career. In our closing scene, The Mox orchestrates one hell of a mutiny, usurping power from his head football coach in three minutes time. Using some fancy Ivy League language and an uncanny ability to point out the weaknesses in others, our “hero” takes control of the Coyotes at halftime and leads “his” team to victory.

You know, it wasn’t all that long ago this kid was reading Vonnegut, deceptively hidden in his play book, in the middle of a game. All of a sudden, tragedy strikes, this dink gets a taste of success and stardom, and now he’s taking over as Athletic Director of West Canaan High School. OK, maybe I made that last part up, but you get the point.

Hey, I’m as happy as the next guy Tweeter and the boys got a ring. William Robert made a lot of sacrifices over the course of the season, and I still cringe thinking about Lance’s ACL getting mangled. The one thing I don’t like though is that a man’s reputation and legacy were destroyed by some egotistical brainiac on a power trip.

Taking a cue from Mrs. Finkle in reference to another shitty quarterback, Jonathon Moxon should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.