Etiquette Lessons for the Office Crapper

Quite obviously the topic for this paper came to me while sitting on the shitter at work. Where else, right? As I sat peacefully upon my porcelain throne, reading the latest Bill Simmons article, a fellow co-worker busted into the adjoining stall and broke two of the cardinal rules on which I will soon expand. It occurred to me that, at least to the best of my knowledge, there has been no declaration of rules for the restroom…and it troubled me.

With this in mind, I have set out to clear the air and get everyone on the same page. Once we all understand these guidelines and adhere to them, it is my belief that bathroom awkwardness and discomfort will be a thing of the past. So, please, read on. Together, let’s establish some ground rules for life in the office bathroom.

1. It’s not a race

This was the first rule my fellow defecator broke this afternoon. I don’t know about you, but when I take a dump at the office, it’s the result of one of two things. Either, A) I really have to take a crap and there’s no delaying its inevitable movement through my body, or B) I’m looking to waste some time while on the clock. Often, it’s both, but I don’t think it’s ever been neither.

But let’s be honest here, who doesn’t like to take their time on the pot? Like enjoying a vintage wine, there’s no need to rush it. Of course, no one really drinks such a fine wine at least once daily, but that’s beside the point. In any event, taking a shit is a process and whether you’re at work or at home, you need to take your time. It is your birth right after all.

Today, however, the gentleman who saddled down in the stall next to mine, was in and out of there in sixty seconds flat. I didn’t know how to respond. Upon his arrival, I was finishing up my article (the actual physical nature of the crap had long since passed), and concluded this was a pretty good time to wrap things up. As will soon be discussed, no one really needs to be positively identified in the bathroom. As such, I expected a little courtesy with my exit, and if he declared himself to be done, well he could wait 30 seconds for me to depart from the room. Not the case. This guy proceeds to dump and buckle up faster than Cecil Fielder going through a bag of Doritos. In record time, he’s at the sink washing up next to me, forcing eye contact and mild pleasantries. Was this necessary? Absolutely not. Therefore, the first rule is to take your time on the shitter. It’s not a race, so please relax and enjoy this brief respite from your hectic work day.

2. Reading is fun

As most people do, I like a little reading material to both pass the time and expand my intellectual horizons while doing the Number 2. I’ll scour the internet for articles I haven’t yet read during my morning de facto breaks or that may have been recently posted, or heck, I might even bring in a paperback if it fits in my pants pockets without drawing any attention to itself. The bottom line is, a work dump without reading material feels like sex without an orgasm. It happens and it’s fun, but ultimately there’s something missing.

This doesn’t change the fact that there are times, like in an emergency situation (a.k.a. I need to find a bathroom immediately or there’s going to be some pretty disgusted co-workers on my floor) or some other reason, when you need to hit the john without something to read. However, when this happens and you find a newspaper, magazine, or printed article in your stall of choice, it’s like unwrapping a gift on Christmas morning and finding that Nintendo you really wanted.

You’ve been there…you know the feeling. That being said, if you stroll into the bathroom and you’re fortunate enough to carry with you some reading material, leave it behind for the next man to find and enjoy. Think about the others who aren’t so lucky.

NOTE: If possible, placing this material on top of the t.p. holder between the wall and the handicap arm rest is preferred to leaving it on the ground. You’re never quite sure whether to pick something up off the bathroom floor or position it with your feet and strain your eyes to read it from the floor. Anyway, if you can, leave it in a safe drop zone.

3. Flush and wash

I wouldn’t think it needs to be included on this Top 10 list, but it does. Too many times, I’ve been enjoying my crapola only to hear someone come in, take a leak, and roll out. I mean, at least throw some water on your hands. For all I know, I could be shaking your hand in five minutes. Well, the same goes for you buddy. Next time, I might forget to use toilet paper and use my hand to wipe my ass instead.

And flushing…come on people. I don’t need to see what you’ve done. Take care of business, it’s just common courtesy. By the way, the kick flush on the stall is a readily accepted form of waste removal if you’re leery of using your hands…personally, I live by it.

4. The conversation can wait

As Stewie once said in a classic “Family Guy” moment, “uh, uh, uh…no conversation.”

A couple weeks ago I entered my office restroom in order to take a quick pee-ski. No big deal, right? Anyway, I walk in and find one guy leaning casually on the counter sharing a good-natured laugh with another fellow who’s mid-deuce. Now, this struck me as quite odd, and upon sharing the experience with some friends via email, they agreed. Of course, the parties involved also realized the ridiculousness of their actions by the awkward silence and parting, “Uh, well, I’ll catch up with you later.”

All I really want to say is this: If I’m taking a crap, I really don’t want to be bothered. I’m in there on a business trip and am not looking to make friends. Of course, a well-timed joke with a close friend might occur, but on the whole, this should be avoided. Like a police scanner, let’s keep the restroom free of unnecessary chatter, shall we? Thanks.

5. Hidden gems should remain hidden

You ever work in an office space with a bathroom hidden on some unused floor, or maybe a unisex bathroom tucked away in some corner? It’s a great feeling, is it not? You know you’re working with a relatively clean slate every time and you’ll probably be able to do your thing in peace. Well, I happen to enjoy these luxuries. If I come across something so sweet as a pseudo-private restroom, well you bet your pimply ass I’m keeping it quiet. If you have earned this right as well through your own hard work and research, I salute your efforts.

But please keep in mind, there is no need to share this little pot of gold with everyone in the organization. If others are not willing to scout out the territory, that’s their loss. And as God is my witness, if I find out you’ve let this tidbit of shit-stained knowledge go, a mass email detailing your nasty case of genital herpes and the means by which you contracted said STD will find its way into the mailbox of each and every intern and receptionist.

6. No food or drink shall cross the barrier

Bathrooms are like surgery wards. They should be kept free of contaminates and foreign substances at all costs. And yes, this includes all types of food and beverage.

The only escape clause is the oft-cited ‘Beer in the Shower’ amendment of 1953, wherein anyone preparing for a football tailgate, Halloween party, or some other night on the town can consume a frosty beer to either play catch-up to already drunken friends and/or push themselves to heights of inebriation rarely reached on a typical weekend evening.

7. Leave a man in peace

Here’s the deal: as mentioned in Rule #1, when I’m in the can, it’s all business. Well, there may be some pleasure involved, but for the most part, you know what I mean. The problem is that there are many of you out there who don’t respect one’s right to privacy and quietude on the hopper. I propose a few helpful hints to help you find your way.

- Understand your surroundings: you’re in the restroom on a daily basis, learn the natural resting points of all the doors. You should be able to recognize if a door is closed that it is most likely locked in that position. This means it’s occupied…move along.

- If unsure, just a quick shake will do. Nothing worse than someone who tries to force the issue by repeatedly pushing and pulling on the door. Hey, dude, these things aren’t Fort Knox, if it doesn’t give way easily, there’s a quarter-inch bolt keeping you out. Accept it.

-Along these same lines, is there any need to ask a question like, “Anyone in there?” or “Hello?” Personally, I hate throwing back the, “Just a minute” or “Be right out!” I know you’re there…don’t rush me. More than likely, there are other bathrooms out there. I recommend you go and find one.

8. Anonymity is a plus

This was the second rule broken by my alleged co-worker this afternoon.

Bad things happen in the shitter. Bad things. Wet farts, angry diarrhea, hangover vomits, smells that might kill a small mammal…you name it, and you may run in to it (or emit it yourself) on any given weekday. It’s not good, but it’s the truth.

Anywho, I don’t need to know that Bill from Accounting can’t force out a drop of piss just as he doesn’t need to know that I put back two bottles of red flying solo last night and am dry heaving with my arms wrapped around the base of the cool, glass toilet. On top of that, it sure as shit doesn’t need to become public knowledge.

Here’s my point: where possible and/or necessary, let’s keep our eyes on the miniature tiles on the ground and our mouths shut. Some things are better kept quiet…let’s respect that honor code.

9. Vocalize in moderation

Honestly, who doesn’t love a muttered breath of release in the can? I found myself smiling in delight when I heard some 50+ year-old member of my office staff whispering quietly to his Johnson, hoping just a little dribble of piss would squeak its way out. (Of course, I realize that I’m twenty to thirty years away from this very same affliction, but hearing a real life Cosmo Kramer trying to force out a little pee-pee is rather humorous. I’m sorry, but it’s true.) The same also goes for the exhale of a deep breath after an earth-shattering tumble in the stall next to you, it’s just too funny.

But, as with most things, there is a catch. It can be too much. Have you ever crapped next to a guy who’s giving you the running commentary? Other guys just feel the need to explain everything going on in their day. I’ve said it again and again…the bathroom is a refuge, especially in a volatile environment like the office. Unless some audible sound escapes you in a moment of weakness (in which case it’s probably humorous), keep your trap shut.

10. Don’t jerk it

The bank is not worth the risk.